time changes

everything. the "older" i get the more i see things in a different way. the things i thought how every many years ago, arent the same, the things i wanted out of life arent the same. my hearts not the same. they way i care about people has changed, the way i see love has change. everything changes. at one time i thought it was bad, but now, i like it. even when i dont understand what is going on. i have learned that love isnt about being around someone all the time, and saying i love you, its about getting to know the person/people.its about learning to see the heart they have. its about learning to see the struggles they have, its about being there regardless of anything. love is unconditional, no questions ask. love is about knowing when to step back and out, even if you dont know why...love is about being there for someone when they need you, even if they dont know you need you. love is about taking that chance and letting go of all the fear that you have that isnt a godly fear. love is just that. love is love. there have been people in life that i know, no questions asked would be there for me. i have friends that i dont see everyday, but i know they care. i dont have to worry about them going around talking about me, i dont have to worry about loosing that person if i dont talk to them for awhile it just goes unsaid, that they are there.
we all get mixed up and shaken, things get spoken, lies get started. its life. but its how you deal with them that counts. i was thinking today while i was driving around about a chat i had a few weeks ago, about fear, and how when we let fear over take us, then we are giving that fear the power that only God should have. We are to have only fear of the Lord, and thats not always fear of, oh man, he is going to knock me dead. Its a respect. there are many things in life that i fear, love maybe being the biggest thing. i love people, i love getting to know people, and meeting people, and praying for people, and hearing stories about where they come from, and what they have come from, and the things that they have over come...the thing i dont like...is me doing that to others, i dont like letting people in, i dont like letting people see that i get hurt, that my heart has little tears in it, that i have patched up, i dont like telling people about me, or where i have come from, or what i want out life, i am scared to let someone love me. there are few people that i have let in to get to know me, to know things about who i am and who i want to be, and about my family. some of those people are still in my life. just as they were there while it took time for me to let them see the things i hide, then there are those that arent in my life, that i wish were still in my life, i wish they were apart of my life, its almost like, when they "leave" or i "leave" when things get to close and raw, when they try to come back, or i try to let them back it. i have a wall that is huge, and that is hard to climb over or knock down...i dont know all the reasons i do this. but i know that one of the major reasons, is fear. and yes i know that it says to guard your heart...but that doesnt mean (at least to me) to be in fear of people...life is sad and lonely when you are alone with out someone to love you. and we all say we love each other, but how many times do we really mean it? what if that person, that hurt you the most, needed you? would you be there? if you were about love, and knew what love really was, i think the answer should be yes. i dont know, i dont have it all together, but i am going to overcome my fear of letting people love me. i am good enough in the Lords eyes, so i should be good enough to those who say they love me. fear is stupid, when its the fear of man. i am working on being done giving it the power that only belongs to the Lord. i hope i find the person that will love me the way i am, and see me for how God sees me, and i hope that you find that person too.
love.