as of late

i have been doing alot of thinking praying and searching. I dont know what is going on most of the time, and i like it that way...most of the time.
a friend of mine had said somewhere that she was praying for her husband, (her future husband, who she hasn't met yet) this spoke to me, in a big way...i dont think that people get that you can pray for who ever your spouse will be..i know that doesn't make scene. at all, but bare with me...i have alway wanted to get married, have the family and do ministry, 24/7, and maybe some other things. and i use to pray about that all the time. but as of oh a really long time i have kinda givin up on praying for who ever my husband is. all my life, most of my friends have been guys, and for a while, that was fine, i was at the age to where it never meant anything, or at least not that i knew of, i am now learning that hasn't always been the case, i was told a few weeks ago, that some of the guys i was friends with, liked me, and then i was like well, i never saw them this way...then i was thinking...dang it what if i missed my husband? and i got all girly and sad, and blah blah (believe it or not, i do that some times.) and so i started to pray about it, and repent, if i had ever giving anyone the wrong idea, (and please hear my heart in this, this is not me thinking i am the jam, cause i dont, this is just what is on my heart)
so i stated to pray, and i had this over overwhelming  awesome peace that can only come for God, there is nothing i can do go back and take a chance on "guys" in the past...its in the past. there is nothing i can do to change things that had happened. life goes on. i tend to deal and be done... if something was meant to come out of anything, then God will make it happen, there isnt anything i can do to go back in time.
he also told me that he has me, and that he gave me the heart for a husband and a family and ministry, and all that comes along with that, and that when i take things in my own hands, fear starts to come into play, and i am sorry, i dont know about you but i dont want to have a fear of the person i am to be with, i dont want to have a fear that i cant trust him with everything, and that he wont love me for just who i am, and wont forgive me for things i have done in the past. and wont understand, and hold things against me...and wont love me, and let me love him, and wont support me, and wont let me support him, and wont be the head of the house..just saying. i want it to be an awesome happy time, no games, no trying to figure out what the other person is thinking, no trying to hurt the other person because i am scared, no trying to hind the truth from them, i am over the games. i want someone who will challenge me, and love me for who i am, not who i have been. i know it wont be easy, but the best things in life take work. (uber randomness) but God has promised me these things, i just need to trust in the promise.
things are about to change on alot of different playing fields, i dont know what that means, but my spirit is freaking out in a good way, like things are wanting to bust loose. YAY! i am still moving away, back to wilmington, its going to be good, its going to be different, its going to be hard in someways, its going to overly easy in someways, i am leaving everything that i have known for the past 4 years. i am leaving some really awesome things, as well as some pretty shity things...sorry for the word use there, but thats the word that fits.

life is awesome. being free is awesome. seeing things in you that the Lord is wanting to work on, is awesome.
letting the Lord work in you, is awesome. not being scared to let someone close, is awesome. being loved and loving is awesome.

i hope ya;ll find happiness, and peace and love.

love.