we tend to pride ourself on love and honesty, love and honesty are great things, two of my most fave things ever, but how many time do we really love like we should? how many times are we honest? its so easy to say that you love someone, and that you are going to be honest...i have found out that while yes, people say it, its hardly the case, and that is sad, and i think to me, what is more sad is that we go around saying that we love people and forget to love who we are, we never learn how to love who we are, and how can we love anyone if we dont love us? and how many time are we strait up honest with who we are? and with ourself? its so much easier to run and try to fix everyone, maybe its because of the fear that when we really see what a mess we are, maybe will be scared that we aren't who we thought were. how can we be honest with anyone if we aren't honest with ourself? Its hard to love who are and who you are becoming but its beautiful, your life is a canvas, and it can be anything. its hard to be honest with who we are and what we struggle with, but its a beautiful thing once you can face in and live a life of freedom.
i have very few people that i trust with heart, and my jesus things, and i am thankful for them, i can tell them what is going on, and in love they are honest with me, to help me become more like Jesus, the dont get mad at me, they dont say "well haley...thats just not going to work and blah blah" they take time to listen to me and to give jesus words and not human words, it has taken me a long time to love who jesus made me to be, and to love the things in me that he loves, and to work on the things he wants me, and i couldnt have done this without talking to those few people. some of these people i had stuggles with, nothing like "i dont like you" or anything like that, but just somethings that i needed to work out with them, and i have, and its been the most awesome thing ever. its brings real love and real honesty when someone cares enough to help you, even when the "issue" has to do with you it brings a freedom and a depth in the friendship that only Jesus can bring.
the past few months have been uber hard, my life took a complete 180 a few moths back in good ol 2009, not in a bad way, i have learned alot, but life is not at all what i thought it would be, and i am not where i thought i would be as i have been packing my apartment to bounce out of greenville, i have found so many things that i had lost or forgotten, think that i have sketched, or painted, or written, and its hard to go back and look at most of the stuff...only because there is something in my that wants to go deeper with those things, and i can get back, if i am honest with who i am, and if i can love who God made me, i have no room to tell someone i love them, just because its a word that is uber used. love is not a light thing, its a heavy thing, love takes alot of work, alot. love is misunderstood, and misused, and lied about to make us feel better, we just shout the word to who ever for whatever reason, maybe its to make us feel better or to make someone think something that was never meant to be the real thing. love is hard, it takes time, it take us seeing who god has made us. and thats hard. i say i love people all the time, just in convos and such. and i do love them...but its a different love. i find it much harder for me to tell the people i love with a deeper love, that i love them. maybe i am scared they wont love me back, or they will take it the wrong way, or they will run with the love and run into the ground. i dont know...but i know i do it. we should trust those we have a deep love for, but its hard to do that when the love isnt really love, we get hurt, we get let down, we get sad. and our hearts break...so there for its hard to trust those we deeply love. and thats not how it should be. i know none of this really makes any sense. i just know that i have alot of growing to, and learning to love who, as God created me is a great start. i just want to have those people be honest with me, i want to help, and i want to be helped. we all want love and to be loved...even when we dont admit it. life can be really lonely when you dont love anyone and you have no one to love you. we need to stop pushing away the things and people that scare us, we need to embrace the fact that God is awesome, and He puts people in our lives to love us, and for us to love.

without love, we are bankrupt.