There is a song by JJ Heller, called "Only Love Remains" i am not even sure how i found her, much less the song, but i did, and i am glad. When i first heard the song, it took hold of my heart, and didnt let go, this was about a month ago. It is what i want in my life, but more than that its what i need in my life. around the same time, i felt the need to find a new book to read, if you know me, i use to hate reading, so whenever i feel the need to read something, i can almost be certain the Lord is trying to show me something, or teach me something, or change my heart in someway, and well, this time is no different, i ordered "when heaven evades earth" I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down, but in a good way. The month of October has been a hard one, and i dont even know why. most of the people in my life would say the same. In the past i have done things because i was asked, or told. and i would say that my heart was in it, and it was. maybe not in the way that it should have been, but at the time, i thought it was right, i guess it took a month of things being out of wack to change that in me. My heart is tender, i know that at times it can be hard, but i really work on it not being that way, when it is, i am not a happy person. and i like being happy. I have asked the Lord to change alot of things in me, the most being the way my thoughts are, i want a total mind change, i want a new understanding, i want a biblical understanding, more than what i have now, and in order to get that, i have had to change alot about my heart. I dont want anything in my heart, that is not of the Lord, and well, thats not easy, and i dont think i will ever fully get there, but its something that i know i need to work on. There are alot of things about who i am, that i like, but there are alot of things i dont like, and those are what need to change. I really want to be stripped of everything until "Only Love Remains"
there are things in my life that i KNOW the Lord has spoken. I get frustrated when those things dont happen when i want them to. not good, not good at all. Then i start to doubt that i even heard Him in the first place. I dont want to doubt God, or the fact that i hear from Him. The Lord never leaves me, and He keeps His word. and in my head, i know this, and in my heart i know this, i guess what i am trying to say, is that He is up to something, and even if right now it looks like a huge mess of nasty spider webs that have built up over time, He is cleaning me up, He is cleaning my heart up, He is cleaning my head up. He is using people to change things in me, people that i love and people that i care about, and while, i am pretty sure they dont know that they are being used the way they are, they are, and its always good, but at the time, in my head, it makes me want to scream. I am seeing walls that i have put up, when i say walls, i dont mean like like a wall you can peak over, i mean a wall that is taller than the highest mountain, and the Lord is using people to knock them down, little by little. and i know that once its all gone, its going to be a beautiful thing. but going through it, not so much, its painful, it hurts. But the more i let God love me, and see that what He is doing, He will finish, i know that its good, I can almost see over the walls, (some of them, not all of them) He is bringing love back to my heart, He is watering the seeds that have dried up. He is taking the arrows out that i have just let fester. I know that He has tried to do this in the past, and i wouldnt let Him, i wasnt at a place where i felt comfertable enough, and to be honest, maybe i didnt want it as much as i thought i did. I can say, now, no questions asked, i want my heart to change, i want my mindset to change, i want nothing other than what the Lord has for me. NOTHING. He knows my heart. He knows the desires that i have, He knows the things i long for, He knows the things i fear when it comes to those things, He knows me. in the book i am reading there is a chapter called "Faith-anchored in the unseen" i have pretty much colored this chapter pink with my highlighter, it has spoken to my heart in a way that the song i found did. there is one line, that hit me, hard, like a freaking bowling ball being dropped on my head. : )
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