i sometimes feel bad cause i dont hang out with people as much as i should. and then there are those times that i really try to make plans to hang out, but people are busy, and then you find out, that really, well, they werent. i dont know. it makes me sad. I try really hard at working on friendships, but something that i have learned as of late, is that the ones you have to always work at...most of the time arent worth it. and i say MOST OF THE TIME, for a reason, kinda. i know that all friendships need work, and such, but i dont think that its something that you have to keep working at until it drains the mess out of you. i have a few friends, and we have most def had our times that we had to work stuff out, but once it was worked out, it was good, it is good. those are the friends that i am most honest with. i have also learned that if you are honest, and open to someone being honest with you, then the less work there is. I dont have many of those in my life, i have those, that appear to be that way, but arent, and then i have those that are that way, but yet, people don't see it. i dont know, i guess on that one, i cant win, and i dont need to. i love having friends. its good, fellowship is good, if it wasnt then why does the bible talk about it? i am very blessed with the few friends that i have, they love me enough to tell me to get my mess in order, and to tell me when i need to change something, they are there to love me and encourage me. and to know that i am not nearly as strong as i appear to be (and yet, they still love me) I can and do the same with them. they know i love them.
and that brings me to..
.LOVE. i know that i dont understand the full meaning of love, and i dont think that i ever will. but i know enough to know that its what i want to be. i am not sure who was the one that said love was super easy and fun! the bible tells us what love is..
{Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things}
easy right? i think not.
(i just typed out each of these, and then put my thoughts about them, and how i am in each one, and then i re read it. i am willing to be that raw on the internet.)
being patient and kind, not jealous, never bragging, not being arrogant, not acting unbecomingly, not seeking my own, not being provoked, not taking into account a wrong suffering, not rejoicing in unrighteousness, but rejoicing with truth, bearing all things, and believing in all things and hoping for all things, and enduring all things..i want to be that. i want to be love. i don't want to try to be it, i really want to be it. its hard, and its something i deal with all the time. i get so annoyed and frustrated when i cant be love, and i have to keep working at it. I don't want to perfect, i am not perfect. i just think that if i had a better grip on love then a lot would change. my heart would change, all my nasty would change.
i think that if we actually took time to understand what each one to those things really are, and what it really means, so much would change, no, we wouldnt have it perfect, but we would be caring enough about what the Lord wants, and wants for us, that maybe we would actually being willing to let Him help us love.
i dont know, i just know that love is important, and it takes work, and it takes all the things the bible says. i mean, look at beauty and the beast(yes, the Disney movie.) its my all time fave disney girl movie, beauty loved her dad enough to help him, and along the way she met beast, and well, we all know how it ends, but they didnt get to the end without alot of love, and it wasn't easy, sure it was fun at times, and super sweet, but it was also nasty and scary. Beauty over came her fear of beast, and saw that she did love him, even when he was mean, and rude and scary, or sweet, kind, romantic, she chose to love him, and stayed with him, she fell for him, for who he was. and beast over came his fear of thinking beauty wouldn't love him if he was always a beast, and that he wasn't good enough for her, and believing that she couldn't really love him,that she couldn't love him because of the things that had happened, but she loved him. and he loved her, he was just scared. but beauty kept loving him. and finally he gave in, and then well, they were in love as beauty and the beast, and then the kissed and he changed to who he really was.(i am not saying that after the fact it was all happy,and i am not saying that it wasn't. but that's where their story ended.) i like it. i like it alot, i think its a great love story. infact, i am about to go find it online and watch it.
i am a work in progress, i know this. i know that i have (not even a hand full) people (other than blood family) that also know this, and love me the way that i think it was intended to be, the Jesus way. i like it. i am a lucky girl.
i am done. sorry that this is super random, and perhaps all over the place. :)
Love.
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