so, i wrote this almost a year ago, funny, how at this time, i didnt have facebook, and once again i dont have facebook, funny to me, that my heart is in this place yet again, maybe even a bit worse this time, funny how i found this on a blog i had started last year, funny how i needed to read it again. funny how much Jesus knows how to get to my heart. 

i like it. 

love.

 

this wilderness is a beautiful thing! October 22, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — haleyedens @ 3:07 am

Back 3 ish years ago when i moved here, to greenville, i would go to work, and then come home, sleep and wake up and paint. i would lock my self in my room away from everyone, open my window, and get in my bed, and i would paint. that was back before i had face book, thats right, before facebook. i didnt do much hanging out with people, i was fine with it just being me. i would get calls, and offers to do things, but i liked being at home. i would have people over sometimes, but not alot. i would go to church and do all that,so that was my “people time” . then  life happened, and everything changed…i could tell you the exact day, and what i was doing, and where i was, and who it was that said something to me that made my world change. i lost who i was, because of what people said and thought. i let people shake my thoughts on everything, while things now, arent at all what they were, i guess i am just really starting to see what all that in my past really was.  i moved out of the place i was staying to a new place, and for whatever reason, that too changed alot, i learned alot in the “house”, i did alot that i should have done, i said alot i shouldnt have, i faded away even more from who i was, and what i stood for, i stop painting, (that has always been my outlet) i remember the last picture i painted that my heart was in, and that actually meant something to me… yes i have painted other things, but nothing that helped me deal or move, or heal, i just painted things because i was “haley the artsy girl.” alot of good and amazing things happened in the “house” as well, i got a friend back that at the time, i wasnt sure if it would ever be okay, even tho deep down, i knew it would be, but people like to talk…thank goodness God is bigger than what people say and think, there was alot of healing done, i also lost a really good friend of mine as well. I learned more in that almost year, than i have at any other time in my life. and now, i am living on my own, not hanging out with people, spending all my free time on facebook…well, not now, i dont have facebook for a while, I am doing school, and working…and today i was sitting on my bed, and reading some stuff on a forum for morning  star, and i had posted something up there a few days ago, just asking for prayer, and GOOD DAY! Jesus is faithful, people that dont know me, but love me, and pray for me, and speak words of encouragement, oh man, that is good stuff. and then i was laying in bed thinking and listening to “his is alive” and i just broke down, and was like what do i do? i am stuck, but yet i am growing, i am like alice in wonderland when she is in the white rabbits house, and she has grown, and busted out the windows and the roof of the house, but she is stuck. and the Lord said paint, and the tears came pouring out. and i laid in bed for about 45 more mins, thinking of something else i could do, but the Lord said paint.
if you know me, painting is very close to my heart, and very tender and personal to me, well, most of them are…and this painting thing has been really hard for me the past 2 years. so i got up and fixed dinner and a pot of coffee, and was like, i dont even have anything to paint with, and i looked up,a nd there was paint, and canvas and brushes, so i got all the stuff and sat in on my bed, and got my dinner and coffee, and sat on my bed. i ate, and i had my coffee…still no painting…so i started to write, and got mad and threw my paper down, the Lord said “haley, paint” so i gave in, not willing at all, a fear that if i did this, if i went back to this place of putting my heart on canvas, it would be real, my hurts, my pains, my tears would all be real, i have done so good at keeping them hidden..(the really deep ones that no one knows about) i have done so good…i didn’t want to express my darkness places, i liked having them hidden. my life, tho, not at the best place…its still, and no i dont like it all the time, but i would rather not have my world shaken by things i have stuck deep behind the walls of my heart. then the Lord showed me “See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. for if those did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape who turn away from Him, who warns  from heaven, and His voice shook the earth then, but now He has PROMISED saying YET ONCE MORE I WILL SHAKE NOT ONLY  THE EARTH, BUT ALSO THE HEAVEN, this expression “yet once more” denote the removing of those things which can be shaken, as of created things, so that those things which can not be shaken may remain. there for since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, but which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.” hebrews 12:25-29
i painted, and i painted my heart out, the Lord has taken my back to when i first got here, working, home, and painting and hanging out with Him. There is a reason to this, and i am pretty stoked about the final part of this season i am in, until, i am blessed in a new one.
i am in the wilderness, i know this, and at first, i was like here we go again, but i am happy about being in the wilderness, it is a beautiful thing. think of all that we get to hear, see and touch when we are in the wilderness??!?!
i am stoked. even when i dont seem like…i am.
this wilderness is a beautiful thing!
love!